"I'm Proud of You, Jacinda."

Being a words of affirmation person, those are the words I have been craving to hear from my field instructor all summer!  He is not the kind of person who throws words like that around, and in fact, my time with him has stretched me tremendously because of his sarcastic manner and lack of communication with me. 

I find, sadly enough, that my main motivation in almost every relationship tends towards hearing those words of admiration, respect, and affirmation of who I am as a person ... whether it be from a professor, peer, or even those closest to me ... my Mama, my Daddy, my sisters ...

As wonderful and surprising as those words were coming from Franklin's mouth today, they don't satisfy like they used to ... God has used this summer in incredible ways to remove from me the praise of man so that I would have to learn to function solely for His pleasure ... not for affirmation from people.

Beth Moore used this quote in her Bible Study that I recently read: "To innoculate me from the praise of man, He baptized me in the criticism of man until I died to control of man." ~Francis Angipane So, just maybe I am starting to die to the control of man ... just maybe. :)

"Contentment or lack thereof is directly proportional to the level of beauty one finds in daily life ..."

I'm finding out how true that is ... even in an exciting life of "ministry" in Chicago, I somehow find myself wrestling w/ restlessness, lack of contentment, and drudgery.  Jesus is teaching me that when I stop seeking the beauty of my unconditional relationship with Him, I quickly fall into discontentment.  It sucks the joy out of my life, and I cease to see the thousands of reminders of His beauty that surround me everyday.

As I was begrudgingly making my way to work this morning, I was kind of frustrated with God (can you imagine?).  I found myself humming, "Word of God speak ... would you pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see your majesty ..."  And, it kind of took me by surprise, but He did!  I suddenly saw the beauty of the sky and the grass and the trees ... and of Him.  And it was humbling.  But it was just right. 

So ... would you like to join me in the battle of rising above ourselves to seek beauty even in the midst of day-to-day, seemingly mundane things? :)

"Send Me. I'll Go."

Not my normal style, but SO powerful:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Peg3402KvlE

(Here's the lyrics for those of us who aren't rap-savvy yet ;))

Send me I'll go,
send me I'll go,
send me I'll go,
lemme go lemme go!
(repeat x4)

i seen it with my own two,
there's no way i can show you
a perfectly poverty stricken people with no view.
And i bet you can't believe this,
they never heard of jesus.
Heard young butler, lil wayne, and young jeezy.

No one's signing up to go on missions this summa.
Rather sit at home and watch exibit pimp in a humma
while a nine year old is shot down.
No one's screaming 'stop now!'
no bridge illustrations for criminals who on lock down.

People deep in africa
looking for an answer bra'.
In china man,
they're dieing man,
until they know who died for sins.
So look what grace did.
Not for us to stay here
inside our comfort zones
Lyrics
at home in mama's basement.

Get out on the grind y'all.
Ain't no better time doll.
I know y'all read the great commission.
Let me just remind y'all:
make disciples of the nations.
Teach'm to obey the lord.
Have to lead someone to christ before i face the lord.

hey! After, 1,000 years in the west and the churches
get'n bigger daily without understand'n worship. (say what?)
Some regenerate but a lot ain't saved.
You walk outside and be surprised cuz the block ain't changed.
And the numbers they be get'n me.
Something just ain't hit'n them.
America ain't christian they practice'n the ritual.
That's why we should be mission though.
Hey, what you think i'm spit'n for?
The united states is die'n
and in the east is looking pitiful.

Some places if they catch you
they'll arrest you.
They'll serve you,
but they still need the word too.
The gospel should be heard too.
We claim we ain't ashamed,
but we ain't hit the block up.
Were in our christian bubble,
while our brotha's get'n locked up.
Lord i wanna stock up,
pack a bag and walk up
in a country where my faith may get me shot up
anywhere i go, whether my city or far abroad,
i just wanna show' christ the risen holy god.

i know they're die'n in the streets over in the middle east.
Some kids sink in piece
others hold'n up a piece.
If the violence doesn't cease,
then at least the deceased
might know jesus as their savior as their bodies hit the streets.
And i know this is a graphic view.
And i pray that it's attack'n you.
Track'n you to act and do
what you see in the back illusion.
Mathew twenty-four and fourteen.
We should read it twice
before we think that life is just a battle
see we free in christ!
Look dawg! Life is more than church work and football!
What if you were dead and seen that christians overlooked y'all!
This is why we leave the couch
and leave the comforts of our house
to show a die'n world a god they'll probably never read about.

Lord of the Flies

Have you ever read that book?  As I was swinging in our neighborhood park here in Hyde Park, Chicago, I was pondering how to describe the life of inner-city kids.  It's like nothing I've ever experienced before, living in this culture and environment.  So many of the kids that I came to love seem so unlovable ... I don't know how to react to their stubbornness, their disobedience, their pride, the attitudes that are so evident even in the toddlers!  They push me away in distrust, not even seeming to want the love I try to offer.  (And, really, who can blame them ... they have good reason for not trusting me ... and I don't know yet how to love them in ways that they understand.)

So, as I was thinking, I realized that the behaviors they are displaying are actually the sins that are in my heart ... displayed externally for all to see!  One, they haven't learned or even wanted to cover up the sinful tendencies that are in them.  And two, they don't have the power of Christ in them to overcome their sin, even if there was any motivation or desire to do so.  In this culture, it almost seems like they have to resort to those behaviors to survive!  They have to be greedy and grabby if they want to eat; they have to be loud and aggressive if they don't want to get beat up; they have to put up walls emotionally to handle the abuse. 

It really is like Lord of the Flies here - groups of kids as young as kindergarten walk around unsupervised, looking for community and meaning, resorting to the violence and aggression they've always known.  They are trying to establish their own order of life because of the lack of stability and order handed down to them from generations of people stuck in the cycle of poverty and hopelessness.  And it's becoming worse and worse - mass chaos - hardened children growing into hardened adults who repeat the same cycles with their children.

These are all just observations from a naive, country girl who's only been in the city for 2 weeks ... I still have so much to learn ... so much growing to do ... Studying the city, reading mountains of books about urban areas, and asking tons of questions is helping.  But it truly is taking complete reliance upon my Savior to function here ... to love people who don't trust me ... to take the risk and love deeply anyways ... because that's what love is ... and that's what Christ calls me to do.

Please pray for me.  Even more, pray for the hopeless situation of the urban poor ... Christ does offer freedom and power and hope even in the darkest of places ... and friends, these dark places are right in our own country, right in our backyards.  As Christ's ambassadors, what are doing about it?

And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.  We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. (2 Cor 5)

Never fear, faithful readers ...

I will be updating soon ... :)

(it's just hard to find the time, you know? :D)